National Coming Out Day, a day late, d'oh
Oct. 12th, 2007 10:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonstrositySo. National Coming Out Day.
I don't really 'come out' all that often anymore. If you're my friend or in a network of friends that I feel comfortable around, you probably know I'm a lesbian (and you also know I would ungay for three dudes, two of which are FICTIONAL. This does not make me less gay. I'm just honest, dammit! lol).
My family, besides my mom, don't know, but they probably suspect. Hell, I think they suspected when I was for sure not a lesbian. And yeah, none of them read this, so whatevs. Moving on.
Me and my friend were called lesbians from time immemorial, I mean, all through high school and junior high. She's not (but she is SO a two beer queer! *mocks*), but I ended up indeed being one.
How did I arrive at this epiphany? And when?
I was 18. I was at Smith, the best college in the world in my opinion, an all-women's college that kicks total ass and the women who go there have been AND are saving the world. I would sit with others, just chatting, and the subject would come up and folks would say whether they were gay or straight. Every time I would say 'straight', I would feel uncomfortable, weirdly guilty and... like I was holding back. Not that I was afraid of what they would think, I just... looking back, I know I wasn't ready to even really ask the question.
Then came the crushes. Girls in my classes, girls in my house. Finally, in the spring, I was like "Dude. Am I?" (I didn't say 'dude' as much then, so maybe those were not my exact words, lol.)
I then went on a three-day search-o-rama through the local library (not the college one, as hey, that was not removed enough from people I knew, or something), and read coming out stories by the tons.
Finally, it really hit me and I went, "That's me. That fits." And had a good cry, I think, because I'm totally emotional, especially when it comes to life-altering epiphanies, or when I see cute puppies on tv (seriously).
Then I came out to my closest friends. I gathered them around, and said, "I think I'm gay." And it was just that easy. They were elated that I chose to tell them, because they knew that it was hard. I felt a lot of relief and a lot of joy that day.
I came out to friends back home, too. Though slowly.
And really, coming out never stops.
When term was over, summer just around the corner, I was preparing to go home. I needed more coming out stories, because I couldn't tell my mom, and I always told my mom everything. We're close; she's my best friend. So I was like, having a panic attack in my brain that I couldn't tell her, or thinking I might not be able to find it in myself to tell her.
I bought a book called A Woman Like That edited by Joan Larkin. This book has been with me ever since. It's a collection of coming out stories that run a broad spectrum. It's a great book. Though it didn't convince me I should tell my mom right away, it did give me the feeling that I would be able to eventually tell her. And I really needed that.
How I told my mom... We were watching the movie Magnolia, and it was near the end, and Jason Robard's character was dying and looked, actually, like my grandma (dad's mom) had when she was on her deathbed. And at the very end of the movie, the credits rolling, I turned to mom, crying (as was she, we were both very touched by the movie), and told her, "Mom, I'm gay." And she started crying harder and hugged me. And the only thing that truly worried her about it, was how hard life would be for me as a gay woman. She doesn't me to experience any pain.
My mom is a very special lady. I love her.
I never did tell my dad I was gay. When he had gone to the last hospital he would be at before he died, I had a dream that I told him, and he got so stressed out by it, he had a heart attack and died, and my aunt blamed me.
So I never told him.
I both regret and don't regret that decision. I do think it would have been inappropriate to tell him then, but also I just wish he would have known, because I don't think he really would have acted that badly about it after the initial explosion.
Oh well.
So those were the most important 'coming outs' of my life. Coming out is so a never-ending process. And I don't come out in all situations, and I really, truly don't like feeling out of control in my choosing to come out, because it's such a personal thing. And it's absolutely ingrained in me to be quiet about any sexuality matters in public (hello, from the Bible Belt here), though I know, in my brain, that in x-situation it's fine, and dude my brain lives in the gutter. A lot of times, though, I'm comfortable enough that I can talk about it. But usually only online or with very close friends offline.
Offline I do not like talking about it if in a store or restuarant or any public setting, dreading someone will overhear and judge and maybe jeer. Which, yes, ridiculous, but it just makes me extremely uncomfortable. I wish it didn't, but dude. It does. I don't even really like getting some books from the library, because I know the librarians will see the cover or know that the book is categorized in the gay/lesbian section, and I don't want them finding out.
Bah. Writing that out it sounds so paranoid and sheepish or something, but man. It's the truth about me.
So yes. All in all, I'm gay. :D
I don't really 'come out' all that often anymore. If you're my friend or in a network of friends that I feel comfortable around, you probably know I'm a lesbian (and you also know I would ungay for three dudes, two of which are FICTIONAL. This does not make me less gay. I'm just honest, dammit! lol).
My family, besides my mom, don't know, but they probably suspect. Hell, I think they suspected when I was for sure not a lesbian. And yeah, none of them read this, so whatevs. Moving on.
Me and my friend were called lesbians from time immemorial, I mean, all through high school and junior high. She's not (but she is SO a two beer queer! *mocks*), but I ended up indeed being one.
How did I arrive at this epiphany? And when?
I was 18. I was at Smith, the best college in the world in my opinion, an all-women's college that kicks total ass and the women who go there have been AND are saving the world. I would sit with others, just chatting, and the subject would come up and folks would say whether they were gay or straight. Every time I would say 'straight', I would feel uncomfortable, weirdly guilty and... like I was holding back. Not that I was afraid of what they would think, I just... looking back, I know I wasn't ready to even really ask the question.
Then came the crushes. Girls in my classes, girls in my house. Finally, in the spring, I was like "Dude. Am I?" (I didn't say 'dude' as much then, so maybe those were not my exact words, lol.)
I then went on a three-day search-o-rama through the local library (not the college one, as hey, that was not removed enough from people I knew, or something), and read coming out stories by the tons.
Finally, it really hit me and I went, "That's me. That fits." And had a good cry, I think, because I'm totally emotional, especially when it comes to life-altering epiphanies, or when I see cute puppies on tv (seriously).
Then I came out to my closest friends. I gathered them around, and said, "I think I'm gay." And it was just that easy. They were elated that I chose to tell them, because they knew that it was hard. I felt a lot of relief and a lot of joy that day.
I came out to friends back home, too. Though slowly.
And really, coming out never stops.
When term was over, summer just around the corner, I was preparing to go home. I needed more coming out stories, because I couldn't tell my mom, and I always told my mom everything. We're close; she's my best friend. So I was like, having a panic attack in my brain that I couldn't tell her, or thinking I might not be able to find it in myself to tell her.
I bought a book called A Woman Like That edited by Joan Larkin. This book has been with me ever since. It's a collection of coming out stories that run a broad spectrum. It's a great book. Though it didn't convince me I should tell my mom right away, it did give me the feeling that I would be able to eventually tell her. And I really needed that.
How I told my mom... We were watching the movie Magnolia, and it was near the end, and Jason Robard's character was dying and looked, actually, like my grandma (dad's mom) had when she was on her deathbed. And at the very end of the movie, the credits rolling, I turned to mom, crying (as was she, we were both very touched by the movie), and told her, "Mom, I'm gay." And she started crying harder and hugged me. And the only thing that truly worried her about it, was how hard life would be for me as a gay woman. She doesn't me to experience any pain.
My mom is a very special lady. I love her.
I never did tell my dad I was gay. When he had gone to the last hospital he would be at before he died, I had a dream that I told him, and he got so stressed out by it, he had a heart attack and died, and my aunt blamed me.
So I never told him.
I both regret and don't regret that decision. I do think it would have been inappropriate to tell him then, but also I just wish he would have known, because I don't think he really would have acted that badly about it after the initial explosion.
Oh well.
So those were the most important 'coming outs' of my life. Coming out is so a never-ending process. And I don't come out in all situations, and I really, truly don't like feeling out of control in my choosing to come out, because it's such a personal thing. And it's absolutely ingrained in me to be quiet about any sexuality matters in public (hello, from the Bible Belt here), though I know, in my brain, that in x-situation it's fine, and dude my brain lives in the gutter. A lot of times, though, I'm comfortable enough that I can talk about it. But usually only online or with very close friends offline.
Offline I do not like talking about it if in a store or restuarant or any public setting, dreading someone will overhear and judge and maybe jeer. Which, yes, ridiculous, but it just makes me extremely uncomfortable. I wish it didn't, but dude. It does. I don't even really like getting some books from the library, because I know the librarians will see the cover or know that the book is categorized in the gay/lesbian section, and I don't want them finding out.
Bah. Writing that out it sounds so paranoid and sheepish or something, but man. It's the truth about me.
So yes. All in all, I'm gay. :D
