bonstrosity: Behold! The power of cheese. (HP - Behold! The power of cheese.)
la la la. i'm alive. i post mostly on lj (user jacklemmon).

viva la journal'ish things!
bonstrosity: Spork sadness (Star Trek - don't go where I can't follo)
Grandma died today. I feel so bad for my mom. We can't afford a burial plot, but luckily they have a plan for the service/casket that can be made in payments. That's good.

I had such a good day yesterday. And I was so looking forward to this whole week, and especially this weekend. I'm still looking forward to this weekend, it's just... a bit marred.



Apr. 14th, 2009 06:13 pm
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
They were going to take grandma off the ventilator today, ween her off of it, as she was improving, and because she's a smoker, the longer she stays on, the worse it actually is to ween her off of the machine.

But she had another heart attack today. And they don't know just how bad her heart is. And the doctor was optimistic before it; he's not anymore.

My poor momma.

Me and Grandma... well, you all know we do not get along very well and haven't for years. I just feel kind of numb about it. Though I'm actually much more worried/sad than I thought I would be, when it came to her possible time.

Is it wrong to be pissy that I don't know where the money for a funeral will come from? And that I don't have numbers to call of everyone. And that I'll probably have to be the fucking one to contact people, because my uncle... whatever. And mom will be too much of a wreck.

Fuck this. I hate people dying.

But hey. Maybe grandma will improve. She ain't dead yet. So eh.
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
To recap the past day.

1. Grandma = not doing well, but lucid. And mean, as always.
2. German shepherd from next door hops over the fence, runs at Marly. Was probably just playing, but it is 4 times her size. The kid next door who owns the dog helped me get Marly in and the shepherd out of our yard. It hopped and hung over the fence, folks. A chain link fence, so the top of it dug into it. Stupid dog. Nice dog, young dog. But could really hurt my Marly.

3. In my panic about grandma worsening, I plopped onto my bed, hurting my knee. And by hurting, I mean injuring it as bad as I used to. Meaning the patella popped on over to the side. And it stings enough that there is probably cartilage damage. And the osteo-arthritis already there? Hurts like a motherfucker. Am hobbling and crying out a lot.

4. Grandma even worse. Mom finally calls the doctor, because my uncle finally came over and really took in how grandma was, instead of just going 'oh, she'll be fine' and said he doesn't think she'll last the weekend if she stays like this. That's what I've been thinking.

So mom called the doctor, asked him if grandma can go to the hospital even though she didn't want to go the other day, but we can't tell what she wants right now, because she is no longer forming words, only sounds that make no sense. She's not lucid at all.

Doc said get an ambulance to take her to emergency, where they will decide if she's got enough of her mind to make her decision or not.

Mom had to change grandma this morning, and she can't do it again. It hurts grandma, and momma... it's too much for her. And it's definitely too much for me.

So yeah. I have to stay here at the house though, because Marly has never been alone, and I don't think she'd react well at all. I think she'd act psycho big time. And at the hospital, the only thing I'd be doing is being there for mom. And waiting for the docs to tell us what is going on, which mom can tell me later.

So yeah. Friggin awesome 24 hours.


Apr. 9th, 2009 05:34 pm
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (DC - unhealthy selfishness)
Grandma smells like death.

That smell that's in the intensive care unit. The one that pervades nursing homes. The one that dad smelled like, grandma Xercie smelled like, before they died.

The anger has died down now. Now I'm just scared and sad for my mom.

I never wanted to smell that smell again. I'm tired of that smell. I've smelled it throughout my life.

And now since mom keeps fucking ignoring grandma, or just sitting there with a worried look, and not doing anything, I'm having to help her. And having to do stuff. And I can't handle this again. I can't do this. I can't fucking do this.
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (HSM - alksdjfsdf;adfljsl)
Grandma has decided to die.

She's not eating. She's constantly moaning and groaning. She's just... given up.

And you know what? It's her pouting. That's all it fucking is. She needs anti-depressants or just a fucking attitude adjustment.

I have no sympathy for the dumb bitch. Mom is doing shit taking care of her, I keep having to step in. And fuck that. She's not my mother. I hate her. As soon as she's gone, I'm fucking renting out one of the rooms here. Because Fuck. That. Her son never comes around but once a month, maybe once every two weeks, because she's a fucking crap human being.

This is ridiculous.

I told her today that she's doing this of her own free will and that's all it is. And that she should just go to the hospital (because honestly, I think anti-depressants for someone with dementia is actually common and needed in this case) and she said "I won't die in a hospital". And I keep asking her what she's doing, because she's all limbs akimbo on the couch and clearly uncomfortable. And she said "I'm dyin". And she means it.

Fuck her. She can rot.
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (FNL - Saracen is cuter than you!)
So I got an mp3 player at Family Dollar for 15 bucks. It holds 1gb of songs/data and has no shuffle. But hey, I'll take it!

It came with a USB cord.

This cord also fits my camera!! The camera [ profile] kindoftrouble gave me, which is my only camera. I love it. And now I will be able to share my Comic Con/California photos!

But first. My priority is MARLY. My dog. :D

Not dial-up safe, I'd guess. 13 images of 120kb +. So er... click as you will.

13 images of awesome )
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
- We are done moving into the house. THANK YOU BABY JESUS. I only had a couple meltdowns. Woo!

- Mom is very sick. I am this side of sick. She has insurance. I do not. We shall see what happens.

- Grandma... Yeah. She was a real bitch to me all afternoon while we were moving. And at one point, I flipped her off, because she was just pissing me off. And so, later, when she said she wasn't leaving until we left the place CLEAN (who the fuck leaves an apartmen they've been in for 15 years in her case and 3 years in my case, clean?), I said 'no'. Mom said 'no, you're going to get settled into the house while we finish up here'. And grandma again told me to clean it. And I said 'no!' and she said "you little fucker" in awesomely malice-filled tones.

And Ali, who has heard all my grandma stories, was like "I could never take living with her". So yes. I feel a little... validated, that I'm not just 'grandma sux *whine*', but it's really real horror that can happen. Sigh.

Oh well.

- I love this house. I love this house a stupid amount. I'm in the room at the back that has concrete floors and a sliding glass door. And I love it. I love it so much. *pets this place*

- Grandma nearly got Marly killed last night. Me and Ali said we were going to go eat and grandma said "I'm going with you". And we were like 'uh... okay'. Because seriously? After yesterday? WTF grandma?
So we hem and haw a bit before we go, and grandma says "I'm not going. I was just kidding." So we were like doing victory dances in our heads and whatnot. So mom, me, and Ali go, Mom's taking the UHaul back and then coming back (as she's massively ill, you guys). While sitting in the car, I see our front door open. And out comes grandma.

And Marly.

Our house is only about... 10-15 feet back from the street. 44th street is a busy fucking street. There were cars everywhere. And my Marly was running toward the UHaul, then Ali's car, and back, looking for me and mom. So I start yelling "What the fuck! What the fuck!" and jump out of Ali's car, and I'm yelling MARLY too. And Marly stands right there on our little sidewalk and hunches down a bit, because she KNOWS she's not supposed to go out of the door already, but I was just so relieved she hadn't run into the street and been killed.

So yes. Yesterday mostly sucked.

But we're done with moving. And after I get well, I can help sort things. Until then, I got my computer set up. I have my pickles. I have my Marly. I'm done for today.
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
So work today was... horrifically long even though it was only 9 hours. It felt like an eternity.

However. There is a bright spot in that our collective hate-on for the new supervisor may at last be penetrating my boss' shielding, because we are getting a co-supervisor in the form of this awesome dude who is our driver and has been there forever. He pwns. And we share comic joy.

So... cross your fingers the bitch is gone soon. Please?

In other Netflix news, on the customer side, LMAO. These are some of my well-loved movie categories according to my taste preferences...

- Suspenseful Canadian Horror Movies
- Visually-striking Foreign Crime Movies
- Romantic Dramas based on classic literature
- Cartoon Network TV Shows
- Independent Comedies

That? Is glorious.

In other news, my stomach hurts less today. Hurrah.


Mar. 23rd, 2009 08:22 pm
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
- I HATE MY UTERUS. Every month DIFFERENT fucking PMS symptoms. Ugh ugh ugh. This month it is extreme bloating and cramping. FOR DAYS SO FAR. I can do jack shit because of this, when I need to be packing up my room. UGH UGH UGH.

- LMABO. A neighbor, an old, old dude (as in in his 60s if not 70s) told mom that "Oh, I just wanted an excuse to talk to her. I'd marry that girl in a New York minute."


Oh my god. That's... flattering? *shakes head* Go me and my charms! WTF. *shakes head again* Dudes, I can get married if I want! lmao. There are no words.


- Marly is growing it seems hourly. Not really, but it sure seems that way. I bought her a toy steak today that squeaks. I may get more enjoyment out of it than she does, lol.

- I can't wait to move in to our house. I just wish I didn't hurt so much so I could get packing. Argh.


Mar. 18th, 2009 09:18 pm
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
- House hunting was annoying. However!! We found and applied and got approved to rent a fun $500/month 3 bedroom (sort of, 2 and then a big back room that could work as a bedroom if there was a door that could close to it lol). It has a big fenced backyard! Perfect for my Marly girl! :D
Also the house is pistachio green, lmao. <3
Have to buy a fridge and a stove though. Grandma can fucking buy the stove, as she's the one who needs it. I don't. I'm buying the fridge. Anyone got cheap places to recommend? Best Buy has them for like...400 dollars and I'd like to pay less than that. If it's over 200, I have to do payments, heh. I dunno.

- My Marly was sick! She had a urinary tract infection! Poor baby. She wasn't eating much (half a cup of hard food a day, that's... way too little) and squatting to pee all the time and having nothing come out. And was feverish and lethargic. I took her to the vet and he gave her meds and she's already tons better. Yay!

- This band is fucking awesome. Absentstar. Get their album Sea Trials. Seriously. Utterly fucking gorgeous.

- I'm fucking exhausted. Worrying about Marly and the moving has taken a lot out of me.

- I still hate our supervisor at work. Yes, she's sadly still there. She's improved on her behavior toward me though. Probably because she realized I was starting to get truly pissed instead of just pouty or some shit. Moron. Oh well.

- I haven't been able to watch much lately. I watched My Name is Bruce, which was lolarious, if you're a Bruce Campbell fan. And what else... Masters of Horror: Imprint, which was directed by Takashi Miike (who directed Audition... which is hailed by many horror folks, but I find massively boring until that crazy ending, ah well). I liked Imprint much more than a lot of the other Masters of Horror flicks. What I liked best, though, was the behind the scenes features. It made me really appreciate the film even more. It was just mad neat.

Also went to see The Last House on the Left last weekend. I liked it. Not as brutal as the first one, but somehow better yanked emotion from you. And Garrett Dillahunt was fucking HOT. I'm so serious. I have never been attracted to him. I adore him because he's utterly fantastic in everything ever, but omfg. He was delicious in that movie. Just... yeah. Guh.

I = Worst Lesbian Ever. *shrug*

- It was in the 80s here today. WTF is that? It was fucking hot in a NOT GOOD WAY. Blah.

- It's so, so sad about Natasha Richardson. Poor Vanessa Redgrave and Liam Neeson and Joely Richardson. That's just awful. Awful. :(
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
So. Mom is at Cindy's today (Cindy's the one who lives in McCloud, so far away.). Cindy calls every day several times a day for mom. Mom has gone out there three days in a row.

And I've told mom she needs to tell Cindy that she can't go over there as much and that she needs rest. And that I'll tell Cindy if I have to. But I've told this to MOM. Grandma was telling me she was going to say it to Cindy. And I was like 'wtf? Cindy's alone. And she's going through hell right now. And she has to have help." Grandma replied (the true crux of the issue) "She (being mom) ain't supposed to be taking care of Cindy" and she said it in this fucking snotty way.

It's... she's jealous.

And. She keeps harping on about the house and she said "Well, your mom's done it again" and I went 'huh?' and she says mom was supposed to take us today to view the house we may get, and I was like "No, they said they'd call and we'd schedule a time." She said "No they didn't." I said "They did on Thursday night when mom talked to them. Right in front of me and you."

And I told her not to get mad at mom and to stop nitpicking at her. I said to do that to me all she wanted, but that mom doesn't deserve it, and that it hurts her so much.

And she went on about Cindy and I told her that Cindy is family. And grandma said "no she's not". I said Yes she is. Blood don't mean shit.

I also told her we could leave her anytime we wanted to (because actually? we could.) and that we stayed because why? We're family. And that's what you do.

And she also said "Fuck her!" about Cindy.

Now... Cindy does ask too much of mom, but she's only been doing it lately, and she really is... in a terrible place in her life right now. Helping out is the freaking HUMAN thing to do for fuck's sake. But since it interferes with whatever the fuck Grandma's supposed schedule for whatever is, then it clearly should be stopped.

And I told her that mom wasn't putting this house thing off, she's just been busy, and to please stop needling her about shit like that. And she said "Well, you know if you don't keep on her, she doesn't do things for a week or two."

Yes, grandma. She used to do you fucking Publisher's Clearing House on Wednesdays ONLY until we moved here. Then it's as soon as the mail gets here and mom gets home? "Did you finish my Publisher's?" Hours later "did you finish my Publishers?" The next day "If there was anyone else to ask, I'd ask them. Please do my Publishers." It drives mom nuts.

I fucking hate grandma so much. She makes me so soul-tired.


Mar. 7th, 2009 03:14 am
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Watchmen - N & R)
Saw Watchmen. Approve.

Spoilers for the Graphic Novel and Movie )
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
So. Today, mom and I went out to McCloud (45mins/hour away) to drive her friend home from a clinic. After that, the temp guage cam on the car.

We needed to get the oil changed anyway, so we did that. And found that the transmission has a leaky gasket or some such, but it'll cost 189 to fix, and er, in order to move/have shelter? Can't do that right now. So hopefully it will hold.

And our muffler is about to fall off. So it's suggested we take it to a muffler shop to reweld some brackets on so it won't FALL OFF. Jesus.

Then. We get home.

Grandma said someone from DHS came by. DHS is Department of Human Services and a completely useless organization for the most part (ask the children who are taken and placed into new homes... ugh), and the dude wanted grandma to go to the hospital. And she said no.

She has a broken tailbone. Or at least she's moaning and groaning that she does (when she doesn't hop right up when she wants. fucking faker.). But hates hospitals even though she would not be ALIVE without the miracles that this one hospital did in keeping her alive and even improving. Ugh.

And she fucking told them stupid shit. Like things... just stupid shit. I can't go into it.

And I said 'you moron, you made it so it looks bad for mom now. as she's the one who's paid to take care of you.' and it DOES. And mom's face when grandma told her (cause mom had been in the bathroom when grandma told me) just fell, man.

So on top of having to find a cheap house to rent, fighting to remain somewhat content at work, all this shit happens today.

What a fucking two days.

At least we're alive.
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
So. I megaloathe the new supervisor at work. She talks to everyone like they're children AND dumb children AND clearly incapable of independent thought. And she has gotten on to me THREE TIMES since she's been there (TWO WEEKS wtf) for... TALKING. Today she said "You need to stop visiting". FUCK YOU, lady.

I never got in trouble for talking all throughout school and college. So this? Is fucking ridiculous. And when I talk at work? It's about WORK.

And! A black woman and a black man were running the sorter and took a break (we get breaks every two hours) and the woman came back, and Supervisor Cuntrag asked "Where's the other one?" SERIOUSLY. WTF IS THAT. That's just... even if it's not racist, there's whole levels of wtf.

I fucking hate the bitch. And instead of the soul crushing that was the Regional Manager in charge in lieu of an actual manager (that's when I actively looked for another job), I now have massive. fucking. rage. After she said the visiting thing today, I said "OKAY" really loudly and everyone looked up and could tell I was fucking pissed.

And she's changed SO MUCH of how we did things. See, we've had managers and supervisors in and out since July, so fuck you lady, of course we're a bit tired of/resistant to change. Especially when the changes are only because 'that's how we did it in Tacoma' and therefore it is WRIT IN BLOOD AND ALL MUST OBEY.

Fucking CUNT.

Also? I figured out she's fucking UMBRIDGE. With less 'hem hem'ing. Seriously. If she could make us write "I must not tell lies" in our hands, she fucking would. Ugh.

And worst of all? She wore a Serenity shirt. So that means the asshole is a Joss fan. And you know what? Knowing her? She's also one of those middle-aged drama causing bitches that fandom has. Ugh. I hate her.

And the BIG NEWS? Management has seen our dog. And has decided it is definitely a chocolate labrador. Therefore, will be big. Therefore, either it goes or we go.

So we're moving. We luckily have til the end of the month. But still.

What a fucking day.
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
1) We are keeping the dog. LOL. Grandma's decision and she's going to pay that pet deposit. And we all take turns taking the puppy outside.

Grandma has decided to name her Marly. I'm... not pleased about that, because I'm like 'man, people will go 'oh, that movie'' and ugh. At least there will be no E. Because this way, it's more like Marly from Another World, the good twin of Vicky and Marly. lol.

I will have pictures probably this weekend. I am finally going to get Ali to get 'em off mee memory card. So yay. Comic Con and puppy pics! hee.

2) Click my dragons!! :D :D :D

3) Merlin. I... am obsessed. Insanely. I think about it all the time at work, not that it helps that I love AUs and see dvds every day. So now, Pride and Prejudice!Merlin needs to happen. Lancelot = Bingley and Gwen = Jane. And Arthur is Darcy. And Merlin is Lizzie. Nimueh is Wickham. Gaius is the Dad. Uther is the mother, j/k. I just want to imagine him 'oh, my nerves!' lol.

Yeah. I may be too obsessed with applying Merlin characters to other fandoms. Ah vell.
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
Title: Unattainable Smiles
Author: Bonster ([ profile] jacklemmon)
Prompt: one-sided
Fandom: Merlin
Characters/Pairing: Merlin/Morgana
Rating: FRAO Explanation of Fan Ratings
Word Count: Around 775.
Summary: Morgana dreams of Merlin smiling, wide and happy.
Notes: Written for Porn Battle VII.

S t o r y . )
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
1) I went to Ali's Friday night. I couldn't... I couldn't handle getting more attached to the dog, and so Ali understood and I went over to her house. And cried like whoa lol. The next day, I called home to see if Mom had taken the puppy to the shelter, because I thought that was the plan.

Yeah, she hadn't.

Grandma had said "don't take her yet. i ain't ready to let her go." about the puppy. So mom didn't take her to the shelter. They instead bought a leash, collar, dog food, and milkbones.

We cannot care for this dog the way it needs. It needs a huge yard, it's a dog that is clearly going to be big. We live in this one-bedroom apartment.

So we still have her. She's great, and she rolls over all the time and is so cute. And DOES NOT BARK. Isn't that insane??? She has barked maybe twice. In two days. That's... phenomenal.

She doesn't realize not to bite too hard though, lol. She bit my face and haha, I have a cut an inch long. It's hilarious and I will probably scar or some such, and I can go "bar fight" about it. heh.

So yes. We have her until tomorrow, unless I can convince mom to take her today to the shelter. I will go too, even though, god, I am sick. Ugh.

2) I'm sick. A cough that is awful and it's really affecting my asthma. I haven't breathed this bad since... well, when I would forget my inhaler somewhere and couldn't get it for a day or two. That's how bad it is right now, and that's after only TWO HOURS after the previous use of the inhaler. I even thought about going to the hospital when it was particularly bad, but eh, it's slowly getting better. I think.

3) Grandma is a bitch. But you knew that. But this time, ah, this time. She's been so nice the past couple of days when I've been in the living room with her, mom, and the dog. But this morning I go back to my room (because I want to read more Porn Battle stuff, lol) and... five minutes later, she doesn't even knock and opens my door and says "You going to let your mom take out all that trash?" and I was like '... What?' because yes, the trash has built up, because I have EXTREME PHOBIA of ice and I've been waiting for it to thaw, and so it's mostly gone today, so I was going to wait til this afternoon and then take it out, because PHOBIA for fuck's sake.
Turns out mom was just bagging up one thing, not taking out the trash. And I was like "I'm taking it out, mom are you taking it out? I'm going to later today." And mom was like "No, I'm not taking it out" like "Pshaw!" and it was funny, but then grandma said "You've been saying that for three days" and that I said that I hoped my uncle was coming over so he'd take it out (which I may have thought but I didn't SAY it, because I know that grandma would NEVER let something like that go). And so I get pissed and snipe back and she snipes back, mom snipes at grandma, and then grandma says "I know you'll never tell her this stuff, so I have to" about mom not telling me to do things. And I say "I don't listen because you're a bitch when you say it". And mom said "Bonnie". And I was like 'ugh', and went back to my room. And I told grandma no one comes to visit her because they hate her, as they should.

I may be slightly cruel when I'm pissed.

Oh the fuck well.

And I'm not even crying about it, which... I'm shocked, I always cry after these fights, out of guilt or whatever. And now I'm just tired. And sneezing and coughing and ugh.

I don't need this.

But at least this icon amuses me.
bonstrosity: Emo!Drunken!Hobo Supes (Default)
Waaaah. I heard a puppy crying in our parking lot. And I went outside to see if I could comfort it or see if its owner was around.

No owner, but it was only out there for a bit. And frankly, I would be knocking on doors looking for it, because it is. too. precious.

It's chocolate with white on its chest and belly. And has green eyes. It looks like some mix of labrador and something. It's really very cute.

So it was too late when I called the shelters/rescue services, so we're going to take her there tomorrow, because we cannot keep her. For one, we can't take care of her the way we'd like and for another, it's 200 for a pet deposit.

So yes. She's staying the night with us. And has peed a LOT. lol. Her stool is solid, though. Aren't you glad to know that?

She really is too cute. Awwwwww.

God, I love dogs. Sigh.
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